How the fuck did this happen??

Had a health screen the other day which threw up some very interesting facts. Now I already know I'm not the healthiest being on the planet (my fat arse, lack of energy and the fact that I smoke, drink and neither exercise or put the world at risk of running out of fresh vegetables anytime soon, are all fairly good indicators of this fact) but some of the results were unexpected to say the least.

My lung function was good despite being a pal of Twenty's with regard to still smoking. The ECG they did, proved that in fact, I do have a heart and its working normally (to all my exes - I told you w****ers I did have a heart!). Apparently my pee was fine too, although for my money, why would you even want to know!

The truly shocking thing were the basic measurements (not of my arse - I already know its big) of my weight and height. The scales loomed in front of me and in the end I closed my eyes and hopped on;

"** and a half stone" she said,

"whAAt????"

I have managed to lose over half a stone without trying - fucking magic! (Apologies for the language but you have to understand the state of shock I was in, this does not happen in my world! PS KnackeredKaz, if I work out how it did will let you know so you're 100% happy with you LBD!) Great, fantastic, long may it continue etc. etc. etc. So then to the height;

"shoes off, back against the wall and stand straight" says she;

okie, dokie, here goes;

"165cm" says she

(or something like that - metric doesn't register with this thirtysomething);

"whats that in real terms?" says I

"Five foot five" says she

"Fuck off, how did I go from 5ft 6" to 5ft 5" in the space of a minute!"

(obviously not what I said but definitely what I was thinking!)

So my question is this; how did I become a less lardy-arsed, more short-arsed specimen of humanity in the space of a few minutes???

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