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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Obese, Ugly Single Man Not Seeking Same

Jesus, how sad is this guy? He takes thinking positively to a whole new level.

"I figure it's only a matter of time before the right girl sees my ad," Nessie

Obese, Ugly Single Man Not Seeking Same San Francisco Ca. (DPI) ­ Nessie, 35, recently joined online dating service Lavalife, placing an ad with the headline "Seeking Gorgeous, Hard-Bodied Female" although Nessie himself is an overweight, unappealing man.

"I'm looking for the finest things in life, and that extends to my love of women," reads the ad posted late Friday by Nessie, who weighs 290 pounds and works as an assistant manager at Hero's Realm, a local comic-book retailer.

"If you have love handles, a paunch or a gut, I'm probably not the guy for you. Appearance means a great deal to me. If you don't have a healthy, attractive appearance, including FASHION SENSE, then how can I ask you to take care of me?"

Nessie posted the ad from his bachelor apartment while wearing a stained Green Lantern T-Shirt and track pants. "Hey, can you blame me for wanting the best?" Nessie said while cleaning his ears with a pen from behind the Hero's Realm cash register.

"The world is full of mediocre-looking women. Why shouldn't I want the best for myself? After all, it's not like I don't have a lot to offer." Other than his $6.50-an-hour job, Nessie can also look forward to chauffeuring his new love around town in a 1986 Ford Escort that he dubs the Love Machine although he has never indulged in sexual activity in it with a partner.

Elsewhere in the ad, Nessie wrote, "I take care of myself, and I expect nothing different from my soul mate," although he has a bottle of medicated cream prescribed for a noticeable skin condition that he seems to use solely for masturbatory purposes.

Nessie expressed the most pride in the final line of his ad, which he said took him "hours" to compose: "Please, I can't stress this enough -- no fatties." He told the Probe that this embodies his philosophy perfectly. "Fat chicks are a real turnoff to me," he said through a mouthful of Mars bar. "You have to draw the line somewhere. Besides, I like the waif look." "I figure it's only a matter of time before the right girl sees my ad," Nessie told coworkers.


Whilst I'm in no position to judge lardy-arsed people (being a fully paid up member of the club) you gotta admire the guy's audacity / confidence / stupidity. Looks like he' s completely oblivious to the real world. That said apparently there are a lot of guys out who actively seek out extremely overweight and obese women, so maybe he'll luck out!

Ah well each to their own, all you can really do is wish him the best in his quest. After all there is supposed to someone out there for everyone.

She'll be one lucky lady!!!

Dingle/Daingean - I'd dangle Eamon O'Cuiv!

The whole Dingle / Daingean debacle is a disgrace and Eamon O'Cuiv is a bigot. The majority of residents and councillors in Dingle have on the whole, understandably, disagreed with Mr. O'Cuiv's obliteration of the name Dingle from signposts in their Gaeltacht area. The Dingle Name website gives all the background to the issue.

"In March 2005, Minister Eamon O’ Cuiv brought in The Placenames Order, which has the powers of the 2002 Official Languages Act behind it ...........The 2005 Order decreed that the English language version of a placename is no longer permissible in Acts of the Oireachtas, Statutory Instruments, Land Registry and Ordinance Survey maps and Local Authority signposts both within and without the Gaeltacht. "
(c) www.dinglename.com

Aside from the discontent felt by those living in Dingle the fact that a government minister has the gall to decree that the language which is everyday language of the vast majority of the Irish population is no longer allowed to used for Gaelatacht placenames in official documents and signposts is beyond belief.

This is not an Irish versus English language argument, nor am I having a go at Gaeltacht areas or their residents. Simply put, the fact that I, as a native English (Hiberno-English to be precise) speaker and taxpayer, am no longer entitled to see placenames on signposts with any English on them in certain parts of the country is an outrage. Understandably Gaeltacht natives want to protect their heritage and some may prefer no English on the signposts in their area. However, dual signing is required in all other parts of the country and those of us who do not, or indeed choose not, to speak Irish are entitled to the same rights as native Irish speakers. Certainly make the English smaller, less prominent than the Irish as is done with Irish on English signposting but for God's sake have some respect for the vast majority of the population's first language.

Mr. O'Cuiv would do well to remember that speaking the Irish language is not a pre-requisite to being Irish!

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Photo (c) http://archives.tcm.ie/breakingnews/2003/12/15/story125717.asp

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Material Girl

Tight-wads and miserable men all over Britain will be delighted to hear that Tesco are now selling engagement rings from as little as £47 stg. in the U.K.

If a man to arrived to woo me with a £47 engagement ring, he'd be told in no uncertain terms to shove said ring where the sun don't shine! Seriously, really far up where the sun the don't shine.

Truly I am not a material girl. As a financially independent woman I would never expect a guy to pay for everything etc. When out on a date I pay my half of the dinner bill and buy my rounds etc. Generally I am a very low maintenance woman. I hate shopping with a passion and don't spend a fortune on things like manicures/pedicures etc. Running costs are kept to a minimum at the hairdressers (cut & colour when necessary) and beauticians (really can't be arsed plucking the old eyebrows myself).

But there are somethings that just aren't negotiable as far as this lady is concerned and a cheap engagement ring is one of them. Good God, if he can't be arsed saving some money towards a decent ring when you're not even married, it don't say much about anything really! An engagement ring is a symbol of love that the lucky woman will wear for the rest of her days (all things going well, that is!) so despite not being a bling sort of woman ordinarily, in this instance I would certainly want something decent and a £47 ring hardly qualifies!

Of course I realise that engagement rings are very expensive and that it can be difficult for people but £47, come on - surely if he loves you, he'll make a little more effort, save a little harder!

In this instance it's certainly not only the thought that counts!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Never argue with a woman who reads!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book,"
she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,"
he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you,
" says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am,"
and he left.

MORAL - Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think!

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Photo (C) http://www.britishcouncil.org/indonesia-learning.htm

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Found my mojo!!!

Got back from Europe absolutely shattered as I had had no sleep the first night travelling to airport after work and then very little in the hotel as it was a city centre hotel and very noisy. Trip went well work wise despite my trepidation about the meeting and my ability to make a good impression and seal the deal.

Further to my post The Power of Positive Thinking I was reading the comments and Omani commented that as soon as I labelled myself "positive", I became that part and that in the old days, when he first came across me I used to be different, and got different results. Now I know that we all have good days and bad days, days where we are more positive than others and all that and there is no doubt that when you are positive good things happen but I have always been positive with regard to the fact that I will meet someone, the one for me. Where I get negative is how and where you meet people. The single scene in Ireland can be depressing to say the least. It' s all a matter of keeping the faith I think.

Anyway, the follow-up gossip to the post goes like this; contestant number three duly phoned at the weekend and we went out for dinner last night - my first date in a long time! It was lovely, easy conversation and a relaxed atmosphere with no awkward silences. We then met some friends for a drink in a local bar. Afterwards the four of us headed to the late bar where we had a good nights craic. Almost cracked up when Whitney started to blare out "Ooh, I wanna dance with somebody", no-one in the company could understand my mirth but I thought it was irony at it' s best.

The night went very quickly and he is very easy going. We both bumped into people we knew and there was no pressure to sit in each other's pockets. He and his friend were a good laugh and up for the craic, even though they were both sober as judges. So no need for taxis for those of us partaking in an alcoholic beverage! All in all it was a fun, relaxing, feel-good night. So Contestant number three is a really sound bloke, warm, kind and easy to talk to, he may not be my Mr. Right but lets say he's my Mr. Right Now. He has phoned again today and we'll probably meet up again at the weekend.

As an aside to the night my resident fan club - he who happens to be older than my dad and living up the road was also in the late bar. I don't think I've mentioned him before but every night I go there, he tries to pull me over to say hi and tell me I am looking well - ah well, every girl deserves at least one semi-stalker!

It's funny how you end up on a roll when things are going well. I went into town today and the first shop I walked into I bumped into Contestant number one from last weekend (and I looked like crap, old jeans on, no make-up and very tired from night out and busy week). Blow me down but he not only remembered me but said hello and had a brief friendly chat. Not chatting me up but just really friendly - lovely as it proved I wasn't imagining that we had really connected in a sort of way last weekend. Also bumped into my resident fan club who nearly tripped over himself to get to the till behind me. Then I headed to another shop where this guy just started chatting and being really friendly. Honestly, think my mojo has come out of the closet for a brief stint over the last week or two!

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As I've mentioned before, like most bloggers, when I began this blog I never thought anyone would read it but this week my stat counters reliably inform me that the blog has had over 1,000 unique visits. I've set them up so my visits are not counted and that only unique visits are counted so that I don't get an inflated figure (I've always been one to deal with the bottom line!). I can't believe that anyone reads the bleedin thing but there you have it, a few select (well I like to think so) individuals actually log on and check in every now and then.

Unlike Redmum and Paige who have both written about the weird and wonderful searches that bring readers to their sites, as yet I have had no really strange searches leading people to the blog. I'm sure all good things come in time!

The stat counters show that the visits come mainly from Ireland, the UK, the USA, Australia and Canada but also from countries such as India, Spain, Belgium, Norway, Portugal and even Japan!

When I logged back onto the Business Opportunities Weblog (there is a link in the side panel) to find out how much my blog is supposedly worth (all light hearted fun methinks!) apparently its worth has now risen to $5,080.86 since I last logged onto the site about two or three weeks ago. However, as Conor discussed recently I don't think I'll be giving up the day job anytime soon!

It's strange though, I was standing in the airport the other day waiting to check in for my flight home and I got a text from a relation who has obviously been given the heads up re the blog from other relations. (You know who you are - keep in touch re the subject previously discussed Mrs.!) Jokingly I denied knowledge of this blog to which she replied it was strange that both and Curly K were out of the country at the same time!

So to all those regular readers (I owe you all a drink or two - well it won't exactly break the bank with my current circulation!) I just want to say thank, keep reading the drivel 'cos I intend to keep writing it for the forseeable future!

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm leaving on a jet plane....again!

I'm off to Europe again in the morning and should actually be in bed right now despite it only being 9.15pm as I have to leave to go the airport at 2.30am for a very early flight. So once again it'll be a day or two before I post again - this life / blog balance is difficult to refine!

I will be back at the weekend and will post then (if I'm not too busy considering all factors discussed in my post "The Power of Positive Thinking!!)

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I'm coming out, I want the world to know.....or do I?

Don't get excited I'm only talking about my blogging. I began this blog very quietly, never expecting that it would be found by anyone let alone that it would actually be read by bloggerati as esteemed as Redmum, JL, Omani, Knackered Kaz, CatGirlSpeaks, Doris, Conor, Paige and Kev!

So I told no-one I was in the blogosphere - one person who shall remain nameless did log on and hint that they had an idea who I was but they didn't out me. However at the weekend, against my better judgement in some ways, I told some of my family. The sister's husband is now convinced that I spend my time in Chatrooms and some of the others who are completely non-technical just don't understand the concept of blogging.

In one way it's great that at least one or two people that I know will be logging on and can act as critics as and when is necessary but in another way is a place where I can vent, at whatever level I chose, whether generally or on a more personal level and I don't want to feel censored by the thoughts that I might offend those I care about.

But those of you who log on regularly (all three or four of you!)will know I'm eternal optimist and it will probably be a good thing that some people I care about will be in the know. As for going any further with the "outing" process - that's still a long way off - if ever.

Still relatively annonymously yours

Curly K

BTW: Check out what could be the future female Twenty; The Swearing Lady on The Arse End of Ireland it's a relatively new blog but the girl's got a big future in the Irish Blogosphere!

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The Power of Positive Thinking!

Well, well, well it works - this thinking positive mallarkey works! At the end of my last post I declared myself to be an eternal optimist and it paid off. Not only did I manage to find friends to go out with for one night on the town, I managed to to get out two nights on the town. However, the icing on the cake was that I actually got chatted up, not once, not twice but three feckin times in one night - fuck me that must be a record - three Irish men who approached in one night. Plus none of them were rat-arsed at the time, I must check to see if there was a full moon on Saturday night.

The first guy was handsome, witty and charming and there was a real buzz between us but in the end I told him to go with his friends who were leaving the bar for the diissco (which he was very reluctant to do - whey, hey!). Why? A number of reasons: firstly I reckoned he was younger than he was letting on (he was, sure he was only 26!), secondly he mad to travel and still in that really idealistic, madly enthusiastic stage of your early twenties (fantastic, energetic etc. but I've done all that already) and thirdly he was back only in town for the night from down the country. You know what, meeting that guy really, really cheered me up and restored my faith that there are still a few gems out there. He was only 26 and yet he had the balls to approach a woman directly, in a non-sleazy manner. He could hold a good conversation, was interesting and interested and lastly he clearly enjoyed meeting someone he could talk to, even if I had made it clear it was going no further. So yes ladies there are still some gems out there, even if they are not the one for you.

The second guy was a bit of jam, very easy on the eye, goddamned handsome. He was my age, friendly and again could hold a conversation (not as interesting as number one but to be fair we didn't get the chance to talk for as long) Unfortunately he had to leave to tend to his stag party duties but I'm always slightly dubious about guys on stags anyway.

Number three was a surprise. He was sort of standing beside us (lurking??) for a long time on Saturday night and he then began talking to me as he was waiting (for a very long time) to order a drink. Now I can't say that number three is exactly my type (not that I have a specific type) but he seems a lovely guy. He's about my age, friendly and warm and his friends are really nice (hate using the word nice, a former English teacher used to go mental about it being the most overused word in the English language but anyway!). I always think that people's friends are an important indicator of the type of person they are themselves - it doesn't bode well if someone you meet has friends who are all complete knobs!

So anyway, we were talking for a long time and when it was time to go home he asked for my number, which I gave him and blow me over but he phoned! That was the first time in a very long time that a man has asked for my number and actually called me. To be fair, I haven't actually been asked in a very long time but nine times out of ten even when I am asked they must wake up, take off their beer goggles and go "fuck me, I can't phone that wan!" (BTW, FYI the photo in my profile is not my actual photo so they may have a point!).

La, la, la, so I am feeling very good on Sunday. I've had a cracking night on Saturday, number three has phoned and tentatively made a date for next weekend (well I'm heading out with the girls that night, he's having a quiet night after having a few nights out in a row; it was a long weekend, and then we are both very busy with work for the week). The slap is on, I'm looking really good, if I say so myself, and I duly head out with the girls. We're having a good night, even managing to find seats amidst the mayhem meatmarket that late bars have become these days. Well, blow me down if I don't turn around and lo and behold if number three isn't standing beside me! His story was that he had been dragged out as the dessy (designated driver) for the night. Well, he and his friends joined our little group and a great nights' craic ensued. Good craic, easy chat, no expectations for the quick shag (let's be honest it's what a lot of guys are after - not that they get it!) with a laugh thrown in for good measure.

Well the current situation is that number three has phoned again and the tentative date for next weekend stands. Definitely don't think I've met "the one" or anything like that but I'm definitely up for meeting him again without the crowd to see how we get on - I've got nothing to lose and he's a lovely guy. So for now all I can say is watch this space.....

PS. Wonder if I "thunk" really positively about losing weight, my house becoming as pristine as Kim & Aggies' dreamhouse and my desk at work actually being cleared could I have the quickest life makeover ever seen!

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Ooh I Wanna Dance with Somebody / Small Town Blues!

La la la la luh....... I got the Small Town Blues! Now, I know from long experience, that the Big Smoke can be a place where it' s hard to meet people and that it can feel so impersonal etc. etc.... and usually I enjoy living in a relatively small rural town in Ireland but on rare occasions I suffer from Small Town Blues (compounded no doubt by the Single Thirtysomething Blues!) and today is one of those days.

To be honest... I would love to meet a man.... there I've said it! Desperate I ain't; I would rather chew my arm off than be with someone for the sake of being in relationship but it would be great to meet a partner, someone to share your life with both the good times and the bad. Perfection or rugged good looks are not sought, however, intellect, sense of humour and kindness are essential.

The major problem in small town Ireland is that of where to meet people. Two main choices exist; the smaller local pub or the late-night bar / nightclub. If I go to my local pub I'm sure to get good conversation and a bit of fun but it's the same crowd everytime and the vast majority of men are spoken for already. The second option always feels like torture if you were hoping to meet someone, grand if you are out for a night of craic with the girls but hardly the place to meet a life partner.

Stop before you suggest I widen my horizons - I am trying here - ; last year I did two separate courses, first a creative writing course - met great people but the youngest man on the course was 65! The second course last year was a more academic university course - four great guys, two young ones in their very early twenties and two who will never have girlfriends but definitely have posters of Cher and Doris Day! Then I did the art class recently - two men well over 60 and one I used to babysit! With regard to work, I travel as much I can and have to go to a lot of conferences etc. and I also attend every social club event going so I am trying on that front too! If anyone has any further ideas on other things to do / places to go to meet people I'm open to all suggestions (except sports!)

Then there is the other problem of being single in small town Ireland - getting people to go out with when one feels up to braving the slaughter! (Every now and then when I have spent too many nights sitting in avoiding the pub scene, I give myself a reality check and remind myself that potential life partners ain't going to knock on my living room door!) For example, to all intents and purposes today is Friday for me as it's an extra long weekend this week - hooray! I would love to kick up my heals this weekend and brave the pub scene and I know that won't happen. All of my friends that live near are married/in very settled long-term relationships/have kids/are pregnant (think there is something in the air, half the women I know are currently with child!) etc. so the chances of me being inundated with people to go on the beer with are looking extremely slim but c'est la vie!

....but then you never know, I could end up going out and having a feckin ball! It's hard to keep an optimist down!

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Photo (c)
xymonau on Stock.XCHNG

Monday, April 10, 2006

Have I ever had that effect on someone?

Having read ChittyChittyBangBang's funny and beautifully written post "I should come with a warning label" in which he describes the dizzying effects of seeing a stunning woman walk by him, I was left wondering if I'd ever had a similiar effect on anyone, I sincerely doubt it.

Having a figure that is more likely to be seen in weight-loss ad (as the 'before' pictures) rather than in a Panthene advert does, I fear, lead to the logical conclusion, that no man has had such a wobbly attack as I walked by them, oblivious to the effect I was having on him - ha, ha! I know it's fickle and image conscious and all those things that I despise but it would be fantastic if it happened just once, if I too, could have my Shallow Hal moment!

However, Chitty's post did make me think back to a foreign holiday about five or six years ago. I was sitting in a bar in a Mediterranean resort with three friends when I saw a man down the room noticing me. He was with a friend and they had just walked into the bar, looked around and walked out again. However, that was not before his eyes met mine across the room and lingered for longer than usual. I don't go in for all that stuff about eyes meeting across a crowded room etc. but it was kinda like that and I had a sense that he would be back. About two minutes later he returned to the bar alone and walked straight up to me in the middle of the crowded bar.

Whilst I didn't knock the poor guy of his feet like poor Chitty, he had been drawn to me from one glance across a really crowded bar so I guess I've sort of had one Shallow Hal moment.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Why Kerrymen can't be paramedics

Paddy & Tom are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Paddy grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Tom whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Paddy is dead. What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

Tom's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, now what?"

Well I'm finally back after a break from the blogosphere. I actually had my gallbladder out so was in hospital (very briefly) and then recuperating for a couple of weeks. Have to say that keyhole surgery is pretty amazing, went into the hospital one morning at 8am and was out by 12.30pm the next day. So I'm feeling much better than I have in a while!

Have just begun trying to catch up with all my fave blogs as I took the full sabbatical from reading blogs as well as writing on this one. So will be logging onto Omani, JL, CatGirl, Kaz, Kev, Doris, Paige, Redmum etc. over the next few days to play catch-up.

Photo: (c)