To catch a thief!

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: "a can of peaches". The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, "What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Well, I've finally made it back to the blogosphere; a lot has been happening and haven't been able to get near this blog for the last week. Just made it back to say I may have to take a sabbatical of a week or so from blogging, for a number of reasons, which I won't go into now. Trust me, I'll be back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, at least new features (daily cartoon, thought for the day and interesting facts) which I've placed on the blog will be updating each day.

BTW: Best of luck to all those nominated for the Irish Blog Awards - our Irish Bloggerati!! Hope all attending have a fantastic night - keep me updated on the craic JL, Redmum, Paige, Omani & Kaz et al! Wish I could be there but I'm sure ye'll have a gin & tonic or two anyway!

Technorati Tags: Humour Joke Sabbatical Stealing

Photo: (c) www.deseretnews.com/dn/ view/0,1249,590041495,00.html

WHAT IS YOUR LEARNING TO DRIVE STORY??

Having spoken to a number of people about how silly I felt for failing to stop my car jerking forward when the clutch cable snapped as discussed in my previous post "Clutch, Clutch, Clutch!" several mentioned the disasters that had befallen them whilst learning to drive:

• One had driven four miles with the handbrake on
• Another had pulled off and driven up a main street with the bumper from the car behind attached to their towbar
• Someone else had narrowly missed hitting a petrol pump
• Finally one person said they drove five miles extra every day because they couldn't reverse and so had to go a circuitous route to get home.

So, thought I put the question out there, what is your story from when you were learning to drive? Do you have any funny incidents that happened to you in your learner days? (or even when your learner days were officially over!)

Technorati Tags: Learner Driver Incidents Cars Humour

Photo: (c) www.car-accidents.com

P.S.: To anyone who logs on regularly (thanks, money is in the post to you two or three!) I will get around to giving my tuppence worth about the deep and meaningful topics I aspired to last week but right now to be honest I couldn't be a***d thinking that much!

The Irish Wife

Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day the didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Technorati Tags: Irish Wife Joke Humour Housework

Photo: © Andrea Simonato (a.k.a. aemmea98) on Stock.XCHNG

Name change!

Just a quick post this morning, I am going to change my name by deed poll but I can't quite decide whether my new name should be Lucky or Healthy for the reasons (summarised!) below;

When trying to get my car towed to fix the clutch (see Clutch, clutch, clutch!) on a freezing cold night;

• The battery had gone dead, I must have left a light on in my confusion, after hitting the bollard
• Trying to find jump leads was like trying to get gold dust but eventually managed to get the loan of a set
• The bit that attaches to the car so that a tow rope can be attached was missing from my boot
• Phoned good friend with similiar car, whose car is always pristine (guaranteed to have the missing bit) - and she had just traded it in and was waiting for new model.
• The tow rope broke on a really narrow road with three cars behind me and another coming in the opposite direction.

Following on from my previous post "If this goes on - I will be as thin as Paris Hilton!" I went for tests yesterday to check what was going on. Now, I know how to get value for money, so I left the hospital with four separate diagnoses:

• Hiatus Hernia
• Severe inflammation of the stomach
• Gallstones
• An ovarian cyst for good measure

So I am destined for the operating table very soon! On the brighter side;

• It was only the clutch cable that was gone so wasn't too expensive
• At least the severe pain was my Gallbladder and not IBS - much quicker and more final solution to the pain problem
• If I hadn't had the tests they wouldn't have found the cyst for God knows how long

Technorati Tags: Healthy Gallbladder Car Lucky

That Friday Feeling!

Once again thank Crunchie its Friday. Just call me lucky; things went that well this week – not!! Unfortunately I haven’t had a chance to put up posts with any in-depth topics this week but at the minute I have great intentions to put some decent posts up next week. Some of the topics I hope to give my tuppence h’penny about are:

• Jailing Irving for Holocaust Denial
• Religious Fundamentalism
• Follow up to the Clutch, clutch, clutch Saga
• Another joke or two

However, I may not get the chance to post until later in the week due to circumstances beyond my control. Meanwhile, have a fantastic weekend.

Technorati Tags: Crunchie That Friday Feeling! In-depth Posts Holocaust Denial Religious Fundamentalism

Irish declare war on France

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when he was interrupted by a telephone call;

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac?" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred and fifty-thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes Mymilitary complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy; "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners!"

What can I say, I want to write a deep and meaningful post but right now I am incapable of doing so - so instead you get a bad joke!

Technorati Tags:

Irish France War Joke

Photo: (C) www.irishflags.com

Where is my mind gone?

There is no explanation for how little my brain is actually functioning today (certainly the wine last night did not help but this goes beyond sluggish). I am looking at the same report for most of the day and other than receiving Divine intervention in the next few minutes I still won't have completed it by close of business. This is not good, I gave my word it would be completed today. I also have so much to do when I get home that it is not even funny anymore and yet my brain refuses, point blank, to co-operate - I'm f***ed!

What has caused this mental meltdown? Its beyond me. (but then it would be right now, due to my diminished mental capacity!)

Oh boy do I wish there were a smart pill I could take right now.

Technorati Tags: Brain Work Duh!

Photo: (c) posters.westbalkanonline.com on Google

Clutch, clutch, clutch!

I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning. Knew it, knew it, knew it. Bad enough that I was heading for a smear (sorry guys!) but on the way the clutch went in my car. Not too bad, so far; one is a fact of life and the other I knew was inevitable as the clutch had been playing up for a little while.

What clinched that feel good factor for me was that, despite the fact I had managed to get off the main road without a major accident as my clutch was going, when I was in the process of parking the feckin thing went completely. It snapped, causing the car to jerk forward into a bollard. Bloody lovely, so now I have a car that doesn't work, with a great big dent in it and I still had to get to the doctors!!!

I won't even bother with the details of how the doctors visit or the subsequent hours went, needless to say, I am now sitting with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine in the other! Hope your day was better!

Technorati Tags: Clutch Car Crash

Photo: (c) www.car-accidents.com

Not quite the beach but hey!

Well, its not exactly Mauritius or the Bahamas but have just booked two nights away down the country in a nice hotel with leisure facilities etc so happy days! As I haven't had a proper holiday in over two years I can't wait - to be pampered just a little!

Technorati Tags: Holidays Leisure Centre Spa

Photo: (c) www.limerick.radissonsas.com

Ugh, where did he get that idea from???

Was just checking through the comments on all my posts and they're great; intelligent and witty observations all round - except for one, which was left on my post "Baby Race".

Teazer Man has somehow got the impression that I would be interested in porn. All this from a post about thirtysomething women who want to start families. My first thoughts and reactions were as follows;

• Yuck, yuck, yuck
• Where did he get that friggin' idea from?
• Am I missing unintentional signals that I inadvertently place in my posts?
• Didn't I tell you - men just don't get me!!!!
• At least he said he liked my blog....

I am sure, however, that he probably just trawls the blogosphere placing his adverts in the comment section of blogs. So there you have it folks, Teazer Man, coming to a blog near you soon.

Ah well, at least I'm starting to reach a wider audience!

Technorati Tags: Blog Comments Audience

Wish I was there!

Its Friday afternoon at last - hooray! If I had my choice this is where I'd be heading off to as soon as work is finished. However, I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon - but a girl can dream!


Technorati Tags: Friday

Photo: © eduardo ajjam (a.k.a. coki8) on Stock.XCHNG

"I grew up in a bubble, your honour"

Journalist relieved at acquittal

16 February 2006 22:16

A Sunday Mirror journalist who has been acquitted by the Dublin Circuit Criminal Court of forging prescriptions has said she is 'incredibly relieved it is all over'. Naomi McElroy, from Grove Park Drive in Glasnevin, had pleaded not guilty to ten counts of forging and presenting the prescriptions in five Dublin pharmacies. On the third day of the trial she was acquitted by direction of the trial judge following legal argument.

Afterwards, she said that all she had set out to do was her job and pursued the story after her editor read an article in a medical journal that anyone can fill a prescription and get a prescription pad from a printers. She said she did not even know she was breaking the law and never thought she would be prosecuted.

© RTE at http://www.rte.ie/news/2006/0216/mcelroyn.html

So Ms. McElroy was acquitted for forging prescriptions - she did not even know she was breaking the law - spare me, please!. How could she not know she was breaking the law? She didn't grow up in a bubble somewhere, I presume. Whilst I acknowledge that we don't all know the intricacies of the law we do know generally whats legal and whats not. Even if you're not particularly well educated or informed, which I presume she is, given her occupation, how could one never have seen somebody being arrested on TV for just such a crime? I don't believe that she genuinely didn't know that it was a crime to forge a prescription. Also, the fact that she was just doing her job doesn't make the crime any less a crime.

I know in the bigger scheme of things it was a relatively minor crime (as she wasn't going to sell the drugs or anything like that) but you sometimes gotta wonder at the stupidity of the defenses people put forward for their stupid actions.

Technorati Tags: Prescriptions Forgery RTE Naomi McElroy

Photo: © Ylidog on Stock.XCHNG.com

Why I don't read newspapers as often as I should

Having previously been quite an avid reader of newspapers I have found myself doing so less and less in recent times. Aside from the odd cursory glance through the Irish Independent or Irish Times I really haven't sat down and read a newspaper cover to cover in sometime. Now this is terrible if, like me, you like to keep abreast of what is going on in the world and to be able to form well-informed and educated opinions on current affairs. I do still watch the news on television and of course I have remained faithful to current affairs programmes and informative documentaries so I'm not completely ill-informed.

So why don't I read newspapers as much anymore? The simple answer is that I just got fed up with all the bad news, the doom and the gloom.

Its impossible to open any newspaper without reading about numerous human tragedies; murder, rape, illness, genocide, racial tension....... the list is endless. I am trying to get back into my stride but honestly some days its just too depressing even taking into account the other information one misses out on: business news, reviews, humourous anecdotes, happy events etc.

Don't know if I'm the only one who feels like this but I am going to make a conscious effort to read a newspaper cover to cover on a more regular basis once again.

Technorati Tags: Newspapers Current Affairs Television

PS I have finally worked out how to upload photos from the net directly to blog (so what I hear you techies say but I'm learning as I go along!) so at least this blog will hopefully be a little less bland from here on in!

Photo: © Kathryn McCallum (a.k.a. lemon drop) Stock.XCHNG

Oh for God's sake get a bleedin life!

RTE programme earns ire of animal activist
Thursday February 16th 2006

An animal rights activist last night accused RTE's 'Podge and Rodge' show of harming animals. Mary Chundee, from Friends of Animals in Mullingar, hit out after the show featured ferret racing with commentary from the station's GAA commentator, Micheal O Muircheartaigh. Ms Chundee claimed the animals were terrified and confused by the people, the noise and the studio lighting. In reply, RTE said it "would like to assure viewers that professional animal handlers are on hand at all times to ensure the safety of the animals during filming".

© Irish Independenthttp://www.unison.ie/irish_independent/

It truly amazes me how fanatical some people can become when you're talking about Animal Rights. I am all for kindness to animals and completely against cruelty to animals but honest to God I am constantly astounded by the energy and the fanaticism of some Animal Rights supporters! Take Ms. Chundee above, has she nothing better to do with her time? Seriously, anyone who has ever been within a mile of a ferret would know that the animals handlers were somewhere close when RTE was filming the ferret race (for both the ferrets and humans safety!). I thought I was bad but that gal really needs to get out more!!!

Technorati Tags: Animal Rights Podge & Rodge RTE Irish Independent

Photo: © RTE at http://www.rte.ie/tv/podgeandrodge/

Knew there was something I forgot to do!

Big Brother was back in Dublin yesterday and I forgot to go to the audition! I wouldn't mind but I was actually in the big smoke and had I remembered I could have taken time out of my busy schedule......but what costume could I have worn? A little black maid's number, a gypsy outfit, a clown suit or even a ferret costume!! ....the possibilities are endless.....

Somehow I don't think I'd have gone - definitely not my scene, although no doubt I'll be glued to the show once it starts. Just surprised that I didn't notice an inordinate number of lunatics on the street in Dublin when I was there!

Technorati Tags: Big Brother Dublin

Picture © http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

Those cartoons and the ensuing riots

I'm all for an inclusive society, think that multiculturism has a lot to offer us and I am not a racist. Also, I do try my best to be aware of any prejudices I have (who doesn't have them) and to be objective when looking at issues. I personally think that people should use the right of free speech responsibly and not deliberately offend others beliefs, cultures etc and think that the cartoons in question are in extremely bad taste and offensive to say the least.

However I have watched what was a furore over an offensive cartoon develop into riots, buildings being torched and even people dying. I understand that Muslims, are deeply offended by the cartoons, as they not only depict the Prophet Muhammad in a deeply disrespectful way but also as the very act of depiction itself is viewed as blasphemous within Islam, however, what the violence that has gone on is out of all proportion; that people should die over a cartoon is beyond ludicrous.

Whilst I don't condone cartoons that are disrespectful, blasphemous or offensive to any religion; Islam, Christianity, Judaism etc......I do believe in free speech and the associated rights of living in a democracy. The whole furore is beginning to turn into an argument against Free Speech. Indeed what has been going on in the Irish media generally with regard to the issue is cause for concern. The fact that we, as grown adults, are not being given the opporunity to view the cartoons (other than if you have access to the net) is a farce. Whilst acknowledging the deep offense that it may cause to the Muslim community here in Ireland I do feel it is important that the right to free speech is upheld. None of the Irish media has done so, as yet as they have not shown the offending cartoons to the nation.

I am not sure whether the Irish media is being extremely politically correct or whether they are afraid of the consequences of causing offense as witnessed across Europe in response to the publication of the cartoons. The extent of over-kill on political correctness is another issue which I may address in a future post. Either way, the right to free speech has not been upheld, which I feel it should have particularly when there are those (a violent minority of the Islamic community worldwide) who use violence and threats to stop the press in various countries doing so. On a point of principle, I am with John Watters on this one, the cartoons should be published for the simple reason that the Irish press or indeed the press anywhere in the world should not be told what they can and cannot print, particularly by people who don't even live in Ireland.

Democracy and the right to free speech also ensures that Muslims who are offended are allowed to protest peacefully and also, as is already happening, answer back with equally offensive cartoons.

Technorati Tags: Cartoon Islam Free Speech John Watters

Last post and gee it's Valentine's Day!

Just wanted to correct the image that some of you may have now conjured up about me after the last few posts; I am, in fact, not a short, lardy arsed cripple with a wind problem! (Or maybe that is what people see and thats why I haven't had to wade through tons of cards, balloons, chocolates and teddies today!!) When I started this blog I didn't actually think anyone would ever find it, let alone read it and while I'm not exactly top of the blogs there are at least one or two people who do actually log on regularly (I prefer quality not quantity myself!) but I had decided that I wasn't going to talk about the PA or IBS cos I really don't want a bloody moan or support or symptom blog but I just had to mention them yesterday cos I was so browned off.

Today, however, is a new day and I'm feeling good again - as normal as it gets for me anyway! I patiently await the surprise bunch of flowers (believe me it would be a very big surprise!) and am keeping this evenings diary completely free (nothing new there but I can live in hope.)

Technorati Tags: Valentine's Day Psoriatic Arthritis IBS Posts

If this goes on - I will be as thin as Paris Hilton!

I'm back earlier than planned but then not much went to plan since Friday afternoon. Went out for dinner Friday evening after work. Nothing special just a main course and then back to friends house for a glass of wine or two.

Well, that was where my weekend started and ended. I didn't get a wink of sleep Friday night, in fact I couldn't sit, stand or lie with chronic abdominal spasms and eventually ended up in the hospital to get an injection to make it all go away.

I thought I'd got used to dealing with crap like this having inflammatory PA (psoriatic arthritis) but Friday/Saturday knocked me for six. I was diagnosed with IBS years ago and it was never too severe, nothing I couldn't handle but this weekend was not fun. So, life really can be a bitch, I've managed to get a fairly good handle on the arthritis since I was diagnosed. For someone who used to hate needles I've learned to self-inject my medications etc. - whatever the PA has thrown at me I've bloody come back and now this - bugger, bugger, bugger!

Just had to rant somewhere. I know its not the end of the world and so many people have so much more to take but this weekend f***ed me off big time.

Technorati Tags: Psoriatic Arthritis IBS Injections

Thank Crunchie it's Friday!

Whey hey!

It's almost 5pm Friday - my absolute favourite time of the week! Nothing wild planned except maybe a glass of wine tonight. However, I do need to clean the house from top to bottom or else may need some scare tactics a la Redmum's threat to her young wan.

Have a great weekend, will be back in the blogosphere on Tuesday (I'm taking a long one myself!!!)

Technorati Tags: Weekend Friday Redmum

Paul McKenna implicated in "How the fuck did that happen?" ????

If the Paul McKenna programme is responsible for me losing weight as discussed in my previous post is it also responsible for me becoming a short-arse??


Technorati Tags: Paul McKenna Weightloss