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Sunday, December 30, 2007

I am sad

Epiphany moment: one of the things that makes me saddest about being single is not what I, expected it to be; it is that of the constant questioning - it's truly fucking horrible. I'm actually quite used to not having the loving couple / just had a baby /what I miss about being single conversations with my attached friends. What I hate recently is the self-questioning that is guaranteed when one is single at at a certain age;
  • Am I too fat - absolutely yes
  • Am I too old-fashioned - definitely; I cannot make the first move, it's just not in me, equally I will not chase a man - sorry but it just is not me, for all the brash exterior - I am quite old-fashioned behind it all but then a phrase that is burned into my brain is that of; "flee and they shall follow, follow and they shall flee" - not a prude by any means but will not chase a man -just can't!!
  • Am I too fussy - I honestly don't think so; yes, I ignore the assholes, equally I give the others a chance but I'm open to correction on this one - to be fair I ain't overrun with the opportunity to do either!
  • Am I too honest - sometimes I think so - I've never been a game-player and I'm not sure that it's a strong point in the dating game
  • Do I smoke too much - absolutely
  • Do I drink too much - perhaps but have always been able to mind myself and know what's going on but on the minus side can drink a lot of men under the table - not exactly conducive to the wanting to look after you syndrome in men!
  • Am I too independent - sometimes - mouthy, opinionated and well-able to look after myself but definitely more open to co-dependent living than may be expected
  • Am I waiting for the un-obtainable - I don't think so but again, I am open to correction - yes I do want someone to love me for who I am, to see beyond the (sometimes) brash exterior and to be fair, many of my best friends have that - nothing perfect, but they are in relationships where neither expects the other to be perfect, where staying in the relationship requires work but where at the end of the day they love/admire/respect each other enough to do so and see beyond the inevitable disagreements that couples have and have latched onto something deeper in that person and trust them deeply.
  • Am I a pain in the ass/opinionated - absolutely, if you like simple conversation and a 'yes' woman
  • Am I lazy - yes sometimes but I will do a hell of a lot for people I care about - to be fair more than I do for myself!
So many questions, too little time, as I could spurt out a list of questions (self-questioning!) as long as my arm but will spare both myself and my one or two readers that pain. Just like everyone else I think I'm fairly well able to judge myself but perhaps I should call for a second, third or even fourth opinion on that one!

Answers on a postcard please!


Avoiding Life said...

Oh Curly - I know just how you feel. I was just the same before I met the man. Except I'm sure I was a lot fatter (a good 350lbs back then, now down to a still plump but much more reasonable 200!) than you are! I gave up on men entirely and had resigned myself to being a cantankerous old cat lady. I think that was the key. Once I stopped caring it happened. Even when we met I never ever thought it would end up being anything more than platonic and now we've been married five years and have 2 beasts, I mean kids! ;-) I guess I'm glad it happened that way as I know being that huge that he did love me for who I am. Had I lost the weight first, I would have always wondered if he would have been even bothered when I was fat. I'm not sure what my point is here, but maybe it's worth giving up for awhile - see if love comes to you instead of trying to find it? Hang in there!!!

Doris said...

Maybe those questions you have asked are relevant (and worth you tackling), but maybe they are not (but still worth you tackling!).

I have a girlfriend who can say slim; non-smoker; non-arthritis and more but still asks "what's wrong with me" with regards to the absence of men in her life. I am way less attractive than her and had two kids by different fathers at 36 yet met Mr Doris. It does seem very unfair.

Are there any answers? Or is it OK to continue to pick yourself to death in the meantime? All I know is, that I came to my own epiphany at 35 and decided to throw out a long term (but special) relationship "going nowhere" and to open my heart to truly sharing my life with a man. To let some of my independence go; to even be prepared to iron his shirts (and I hate ironing!); and more besides the other side of the coin of what I wanted .... and that was a man who loved me and wanted to be with me and a man with no baggage (eg no previous kids) as I had enough for both of us! I didn't want a man who, quite rightly, had to juggle between two families. But all this was a very personal, to myself declaration. With all this came a realisation of how I was to go about it and that was to go to the internet cafe - I had no computer in those days. I was open to it might be en-route to the cafe, in the cafe or online. I didn't know and wasn't specific but I "knew" it would happen!

Meanwhile, Once I opened my mind to the possibility of truly sharing my life I started coming across single men. I may have embarrassed myself on one occasion but c'est la vie. Up until then, not a single man on the horizon and then there were a few.

What you said about not chasing is important. I used the little rule book on my quest and went "old-fashioned" in my attitude. I may have ended up breaking rules but I did essentials like not over-talking about my kids .... as it was "me" he needed to get to know and like first.

Perhaps your having an epiphany is part of your process too. But please, instead of picking yourself to bits there has to be another way where you are visualising what life with a permanent relationship is like; and the good impact it makes and what you are prepared to sacrifice to make it happen. Then it becomes more constructive and most of all, you do need to find a peace with who you are and where you are at so that you don't come across as desperate.

Sending you hugs and hope. In this life, no matter what, you gotta have hope!

Doris said...

And then I also agree with Avoiding Life above! That "letting go" is also important and is part of being who you are, and being at peace with yourself. That then allows someone else to love you for you. And why not?! :-)

PS Please excuse some missed grammar above which makes my comment hard to read in places.

Cat said...

I'm not fat, but I am fussy. And at the age of 34 - very soon to be 35 - why shouldn't I be? I think the older you get, the less keen you are to settle. Sadly, I am now so independent that the thought of sharing with anyone is very frightening, whereas my friend M who was married at 22 and divorced this year (at 33) is already buying a house with her new partner. On the flipside, my mum should be an inspiration to us both!

My biggest problem is that my social circle has changed so much. I don't have a Sex and the City style gang of single girlfriends and meet new people far less than I did say ten years ago. I am hoping my new job will open up some doors to me.

I know it's cliched, but "better to travel alone than be badly accompanied", missus!

ManicMammy said...

Hey K,
I think its only human, irish and catholic (probably!) to think that its sommat you're doing wrong. But to be honest, if you're not true to yourself, I dont think any relationship will work long term.

The opinions, the personality, the independency etc etc, are what make you, you. Jaysus, I'd hate to think of ya as anyway different. Shrinking Violet, I think not! But to be honest, a man who'd want a yes woman, would drive both me and you to distraction!

I've always thought, its the whole uncertainty of life thats the toughest to deal with. That is, if I'd known when I was in my twenties that I'd be married and have kids in my 30s, I'd have worried alot less about relationships, and enjoyed myself alot more!
Similarly, if I'd known then that I'll single for my days, I think I'd have chilled out too.

I can be a bit of a fatalist, if its meant to be it'll happen.

In the meantime, enjoy.

Rain said...

Ah my love I was there too years ago. After the demise of my first marriage (to a real jerk) I had no self confidence and two kids to provide for. You don't really know what life will bring though and fate brought my soul mate to me in a most unusual way. Certainly its fine to look at yourself and make improvements but don't get to feeling unworthy. We were created to live life with a partner and yours will come.

Manuel Estimulo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Manuel Estimulo said...

Do not be sad, Crurly K. There is lots of eligible men out there, both single and married. All you need to do is pray much harder. Also, you must appreciate that peoples have to compromise and accept second-best if they are going to be in a relationship. All of the single ladies I know are all so comfortable with their routines (mostly centred around the church) that they are not willing to change anything in order to accommodate someone in their lives; it isn't worth it, in their opinion. And given that men are mostly such wankers, I understand where they are coming from.

This is also why I have never married. Accepting second-best is just not in my nature. Falangists are used to being winners, and I just don't think the woman has yet been made who could keep up with my rigour!